Marriage and Pre-Marriage Counseling
In average circumstances, couples have moments of connectedness but the idea of soul mates seems like an unreachable fantasy. But by learning how: to resolve conflict, to take responsibility, to apologize and to "see" and understand what is happening, they can gradually move into longer periods of connectedness and experience more emotional intimacy. During the sessions, Dr. Phillips notices how couples relate and points out specific ways they can improve their communication and increase their expressions of affection. Problems which are viewed as too hot to handle are addressed in the presence of the objective intermediary - the marriage counselor. What is typically the man's opinion against the woman's, and vice versa, becomes weighted with the counselor's expert opinion. This allows each spouse the opportunity to have their reality confirmed when they are right and to accept the correction honorably when they are not. The result is that couples can begin to make progress in areas where they had previously been stuck.
While focusing on valuable communication skills is important in working with couples, Dr. Phillips' experience also allows him to intuitively move to key issues which may be unspoken. Here is just one scenario. The wife may be terrified her angry husband will become violent even though he has never been. She disguises her fear so as not to upset him. Subconsciously, the husband believes his wife sees him as a monster because she is so careful around him. She mirrors his rage and he hates what he sees in himself and he hates her fear of him which he sees as a sign of weakness. Completing this circular dynamic, rather than telling her he is hurt by her trepidation, he attacks her without knowing why she infuriates him. By discovering the mire and seeing what they are doing, they can begin to address the issues directly rather than continuing this unwitting and destructive pattern.
Most arguments are dealt with by letting some time go by and kissing and making up. This method helps in the short run but results in important issues remaining unresolved. The effect is the same problems emerge again and again. Unless progress is made, couples begin to become locked into some predictable patterns. Some live like warring adversaries (aggressive vs. aggressive). Others reside like roommates following their individual interests (passive - passive). Still others are like conquerors and the conquered (aggressive - passive).
Couples are encouraged to attend one meeting to determine if they are comfortable with Dr. Phillips’ approach. If not, it is recommended they see other counselors until they find one that is mutually agreeable. If they decide to continue with Dr. Phillips, they are asked to make monthly commitments to the process. For financial reasons, some couples choose to attend for only one month and do gain significant benefit. However, to achieve more lasting benefit, couples should consider a two-to-three month commitment. When significant mental health issues, complicate the relationship a longer course may be required.
David Phillips, Ph.D.
Atlanta Psychologist
